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Please, Don't Go See Battleship!
[Originally posted on http://obsessive-geek.blogspot.com/]
The summer of 2012 is starting to look like a Summer of Impossibility. The Avengers (which after three viewings is still one of the best blockbusters I've ever seen) has somehow gotten the privilege of having critical acclaim and record breaking box office numbers, something I haven't seen since Avatar. This summer also is giving us several movies I thought once would only exist in a parody universe, such as an action epic retelling of Snow White, Edgar Allen Poe involved in a murder mystery, and last but not least....
|Why do you exist?|
... a movie based on a board game.
Just think about that for a minute. There is a movie based on Battleship. Someone in Hasbro marketing said "You know what will make money? A Battleship movie!" and everyone else agreed and didn't immediately think it was a joke. They spent millions on CGI, cast Rhianna to boost interest in the film, got Liam Neeson to waste a few days on set. And they're releasing it the same month as a film with far more recognizable actors and was advertised and teased for four years. Who in the f*%#$%& hell decided this was a good business decision?
Now that that's out of the way onto business: don't go see Battleship.
I'm not saying this as a review, as I haven't seen the movie yet. But honestly, will I even have to? We all know what's going to happen:
- CGI pornogrophy destroying major cities
- A rebellious protagonist who learns self control and humility during the crisis in order to become a strong leader. (Even though it will cost millions o lives to teach him that lesson)
- A hot chick who cannot really act
- And lastly, giving a hand job to the United States armed forces (in this case, the US Navy)
( And no, I am not nor have I ever been anti-military. I've even thought of joining a branch of my home country's armed forces, and still find my heart taken away by stories of men answering the call to protect the land they love.)
Now all of the factors above (save for the non-acting hot girl) could all work if not for one factor: it is under the influence of the works of MICHAEL FUCKING BAY.
|SCREW YOU, YOU SMIRKING SON OF A BITCH!!!|
Yep, Michael Bay. One of the internet's favorite whipping boys (and responsible for making me spend at least 5 hours suffering through his movies) has become someone filmmakers are actively trying to imitate. This jackass, who already has his claws in slasher movies with Platinum Dunes, is becoming someone directors want to imitate because of his insane amount of success at the box office . This must be stopped.
So, my fellow homo sapiens, I implore you. Unless you absolutely have to see it (i.e. your a professional critic or have a familial obligation) don't go see Battleship. If you want to see a Michael Bay movie (i.e. the insane) all three Transformers movies are available on DVD along with the rest of Bay's oeuvre. Otherwise, go see The Avengers again or stay home and watch better movies.